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How to Field-Strip A Highlander in Ten Easy Steps

Updated: Mar 19, 2023

(Republished from a fantastic Outlander Fan Site I wrote this for on Facebook.)

How To Field - Strip A Highlander in 10 Easy Steps

By Tava Baird

Step One: Lure them away from their Clan by asking to go hunting for "wee herbs." If indoors, offer to "change that bandage" in your surgery. Alone. In the basement.

Step Two: Lose. The. Sporran. By any means necessary.

Step Three: Get him to put down the Whisky so there isn't any glass flying around. This isn't going to be gentle.

Step Four: Tell him, "Stàilinn thu fhèin, a ghràidh!" (Steel yourself, darling!)

Step Five: Crack your knuckles and get down to business. One good tug to get that belt off, people. Nothing is more lovely than the sound of that buckle hitting the planks.

Step Six: IGNORE THE BOOTS. We don't have that kind of time.

If Kilted: Get that sucker unpinned, hold the corner, and spin him around until you've un-burritoed him from that plaid like he's a lusty little merry-go-round of Scottish hotness. Take a moment to appreciate your work. Okay, two moments. My God. THOSE KNEES.

If he's in breeks: Those buttons \ laces should come off with one good tug. Then just get them to the knees. Luckily, this is 1746, so there aren't any u-trow (under trousers).

NOTE** If in a hurry (impending battle, trip through the stones, etc.) feel free to do what you must and ignore the rest of the steps, but keep the Highlander VERTICAL. He may not be fully disarmed, and we don't want you Swiss-cheesing yourself. For non- emergency situations, proceed to steps below.

Step Seven: Double check that he's not holding his dirk. You don't want a pointy bit cutting off other pointy bits.

Step Eight: Frisk his armpits and other secluded areas for a sgian-dubh or any other hidden weaponry. Again, he may not be VISIBLY armed, but he IS armed. Especially with dat ass.

At this point, if you have chosen an experienced Highlander for your lovin', he'll probably take over and you can just wing that saucy tam off his head, run your hands through his beard, shout, "Alba gu bràth!" and let nature take its course. But if your Highlander is inexperienced, proceed to step Nine.

Step Nine: Explain gently that while yes, humans CAN do it like horses, that will come later.

Step Ten: Rock his world, and then send him downstairs pants-less afterwards to fetch you snacks. THEN try it the horse way.

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